Friends :)

I have to admit, i am in a very deep sh*t right now. I am a mess. Maybe this is what a fever does that to you after not having one for almost two years. Anyway, it just made me realise how awful i am right now.

       I have always hated this feeling, the feeling that u are depending on someone. I hate the fact that u will owe someone and u have to repay them back. Ego, I guess what I really have, and to know that what u feel or think will be affected by someone just ticks me off. I guess that would explain my forever single in my status, but that is not the point. To me, the idea of having a partner or someone to love is just completely nuts, and for a young girl like me (well maybe not so young), it didn't make sense. Maybe I am just like that, maybe I am a complete mess.

        Throughout my form 5 year, i found something more important. While some of us fivers wailed off with their newfound love, wherever they came from, it didn't make me feel lonely because i have friends. And i have one particular friend who stayed with me through everything, and i mean everything. I could still remember the days we had, and it is truly amazing how vivid all of them are embedded in my mine. The sole purpose of having straight A+ drove us like crazy, and I could not do any of it without her. We would wake up at around 4.30 a.m. ( can i just repeat this, if I may, MORNING) almost everyday, near our trials and the real exam. We would perform our prayers, solat tahajjud and solat hajat, shower and go straight to the library. EVERYDAY. She and I would sleep together everynight (please do not get the wrong idea here) because she liked my bed and I longed for her comforter, and I will always be the one who wakes her up every morning, no matter how hard she tried to set the freakin annoying alarm.

        To be honest, I did not feel like it was such a big sacrifice for spm, I still thought that it was not enough. For some reason, having her with me to go through the same routine everyday without fail just made it all so much easier, so much less burdening. Although I would always bragged on the fact that she and I were total opposites (I am more mature etc :D) , I found myself very similar to her. She and I had the same dream, same purpose, same inspiration - to get all A+ in SPM. And when we dream, we strive for our dreams, as hard as we possibly could. Honestly for me, I am lucky enough to have someone to share the same principle as i had at that time. Not only that, now to rethink about everything, our life journey in the school had their resemblance. She and I were the only form 3s who were chosen to go to hksbp in 2009 and to reminisce back the thing I experienced that year, I really understand what she had been through and the things that she did to have became one of the best basketball player I had ever knew, and the hksbp had ever experienced. I could not be prouder of her.

          That was last year. When she was still my bedmate and my study mate and just my bestfriend. Now I do not have her anymore. I dont have a friend who will wake me up when i wanted to skip our usual study in library at night. A friend i love to pick on simply because she is too 'bendul' sometimes and you can just lie to her about everything. A friend who will go everywhere with me and when i said i wanted to wake up instead of stay up, she would go with what i am comfortable the most. She would tell me that i will be okay when i went to my khazanah interview, and who always be so happy to the good things i had been blessed with. There could never be a better listener than her and a better person than her. Therefore, to know that she is not here anymore to nag me, to tell me that i have to work hard for this and that, to remind me the wonderful things i can do and to just listen and be there for me, it is really hard. i have no one to share my new comforter with (because i miss her comforter like hell) and no one to wake up in the morning and order to go to the toilet and 'jgn lupa solat hajat tau wa!', She really changed me to become a better person, and i have to admit, i am a mess without her. The routine that i was so used to doing with her at school just vanished, just like that. and subuh, the only time i went subuh in the surau was during the first day, and only that day. I am really depressed to see myself change and just became a complete fool. I loved  my old routine, it made me feel that the day was worth it, and to do it with your bestfriend just made it better.

                 HKSBP 2011. Glad to have hugged her after the lost :)

            This is why i cannot love someone too much, i will become a mess. i know, this will be hard, without her and all my other friends, it is just plain hard. now i have to learn how to do things alone, and no matter how hard it is, i hope that i can make it. Fawa, i just miss you. But do not worry about me, the one thing you taught me is how strong I am, and my strength is within me i know, it does not lie upon other people. Thank you for everything Fawa, and i wish i could repay you with everything that you had given to me. but i just couldn't, you had given me so much.

p/s: Fawa got straight As for SPM!! woohoo i could not be happier :) hardwork does pay off insyaAllah, with  hardwork, doa and tawakkal, insyaAllah we will achieve greater success in the future. Amin :)

oh and i used present tense because she is still my bestfriend. Screw u tenses!

time envies me too much

hi blog. i don't even bother to tell you how long has it been since i last wrote in here now, and i won't make 'writing in my blog' as one of my lifeless wishes anymore. sorry i just couldn't find the time to write in here :)

since i am now a college student *coughcough* gosh it is awkward just to admit that, anyway yup. my life is no longer the typical stf life which somehow really miss. i miss my friends, my teachers, my teammates and just everything i had left behind and could never get now. everyday it is just another marathon to continue doing what i do in kyuem and just leave the things that i have done in stf. it is so different here compared to stf, well the obvious different would be now i have boys in my school. which i personally think it sucks. not that I'm being sexist here, it is just that gosh i have to change so much!

1. i have to iron my clothes and my tudung everyday. i mean who does that? i never ironed anything in stf and now the sudden shift! it is really killing me.

2. i cannot shout and scream whenever i want. i mean all girls school is such a blessing, now all i got is BOUNDARY -..-

3. i cannot wear my pajamas pants to the library. i have to wear slacks, all the time, sometimes jeans. and worse, even at night -..-

4. u cannot bring food to anywhere. classes, meetings, and worst, LIBRARY. OH HOW I MISS GENG LIBRARY hiihi :D

5. and i miss my friends too badly. it is torture.

well, that's half of it. but mostly i feel really blessed being here, i know how lucky i am to have come so far and have this wonderful opportunity to be  with all these amazing people who will go to cambridge or oxford or whatever universities that me myself are afraid to mention because it seemed to waayyyyyyy far from me. i never imagined myself to be this girl who one day, insyaAllah with much hardwork, determination and do a , will be one of those people who i admired and want to be when i'm older.

at first, for me personally, it was really hard coping with everything. it was to overwhelming, the school, the people, the friends, khazanah, the a stars we have to get, the people who had done it and been there before us and actually made it, and the universities that we have to go. it was too overwhelming, and definitely to scary. i was not this girl u know, with confidence and think that she could do everything. i was scared of not making it, and i really didn't know what did i do to make me deserve all this wonderful things.

and how stupid i was right that i totally forgot my purpose here in ky, and how and what did i do to make me strong enough to go through spm, this is now just another possible obstacle. i challenged myself, when i was 16, and i didn't listen to the nay sayers saying that this was hard and that was hard because i haven't try them yet. i could be better than that, so i thought. and i missed that part of me somehow in the whole overwhelming situation.

some of my juniors asked me, how did i study? what did i do to get good marks in exams and all. i burst into laughters hehe. i hope i am not some kind of role model to any of them now because trust me, never be like me. don't even think about it hehe :D however, i have a simple advice to them how had asked, an advice to me too. failure is not about getting a B in maths, but it is about being afraid to get an A. i hope i am not being too secretive in the phrase that i wrote myself after thinking about it for almost a day hehe. i mean it is very simply actually, just go for it and to believe that u can do it is enough.

'sesungguhnya di samping kesukaran ada kemudahan. dan sesungguhnya di samping kesukaran ada kemudahan'. surah al insyirah

this surah brought me back every time, without fail. how Allah care for our beloved prophet ( btw salam maulidur rasul), and when this is stated in the holy quran, these are not just mere words my dear. this is a promise, a promise from ALLAH, and He never breaks promises.

just a new photo of a college student hihi. ignore the faces people :)

lighten up people, lighten up syakira :) there is always light at the end of the tunnel, there is always rainbow  after the rain. my mum just called me to go to eat, and she is just downstairs -..-' so got to go now, i hope whatever I'm writing in here is beneficial for those who even dare to read this nonsense. till then blog, salam :)