Friends :)

I have to admit, i am in a very deep sh*t right now. I am a mess. Maybe this is what a fever does that to you after not having one for almost two years. Anyway, it just made me realise how awful i am right now.

       I have always hated this feeling, the feeling that u are depending on someone. I hate the fact that u will owe someone and u have to repay them back. Ego, I guess what I really have, and to know that what u feel or think will be affected by someone just ticks me off. I guess that would explain my forever single in my status, but that is not the point. To me, the idea of having a partner or someone to love is just completely nuts, and for a young girl like me (well maybe not so young), it didn't make sense. Maybe I am just like that, maybe I am a complete mess.

        Throughout my form 5 year, i found something more important. While some of us fivers wailed off with their newfound love, wherever they came from, it didn't make me feel lonely because i have friends. And i have one particular friend who stayed with me through everything, and i mean everything. I could still remember the days we had, and it is truly amazing how vivid all of them are embedded in my mine. The sole purpose of having straight A+ drove us like crazy, and I could not do any of it without her. We would wake up at around 4.30 a.m. ( can i just repeat this, if I may, MORNING) almost everyday, near our trials and the real exam. We would perform our prayers, solat tahajjud and solat hajat, shower and go straight to the library. EVERYDAY. She and I would sleep together everynight (please do not get the wrong idea here) because she liked my bed and I longed for her comforter, and I will always be the one who wakes her up every morning, no matter how hard she tried to set the freakin annoying alarm.

        To be honest, I did not feel like it was such a big sacrifice for spm, I still thought that it was not enough. For some reason, having her with me to go through the same routine everyday without fail just made it all so much easier, so much less burdening. Although I would always bragged on the fact that she and I were total opposites (I am more mature etc :D) , I found myself very similar to her. She and I had the same dream, same purpose, same inspiration - to get all A+ in SPM. And when we dream, we strive for our dreams, as hard as we possibly could. Honestly for me, I am lucky enough to have someone to share the same principle as i had at that time. Not only that, now to rethink about everything, our life journey in the school had their resemblance. She and I were the only form 3s who were chosen to go to hksbp in 2009 and to reminisce back the thing I experienced that year, I really understand what she had been through and the things that she did to have became one of the best basketball player I had ever knew, and the hksbp had ever experienced. I could not be prouder of her.

          That was last year. When she was still my bedmate and my study mate and just my bestfriend. Now I do not have her anymore. I dont have a friend who will wake me up when i wanted to skip our usual study in library at night. A friend i love to pick on simply because she is too 'bendul' sometimes and you can just lie to her about everything. A friend who will go everywhere with me and when i said i wanted to wake up instead of stay up, she would go with what i am comfortable the most. She would tell me that i will be okay when i went to my khazanah interview, and who always be so happy to the good things i had been blessed with. There could never be a better listener than her and a better person than her. Therefore, to know that she is not here anymore to nag me, to tell me that i have to work hard for this and that, to remind me the wonderful things i can do and to just listen and be there for me, it is really hard. i have no one to share my new comforter with (because i miss her comforter like hell) and no one to wake up in the morning and order to go to the toilet and 'jgn lupa solat hajat tau wa!', She really changed me to become a better person, and i have to admit, i am a mess without her. The routine that i was so used to doing with her at school just vanished, just like that. and subuh, the only time i went subuh in the surau was during the first day, and only that day. I am really depressed to see myself change and just became a complete fool. I loved  my old routine, it made me feel that the day was worth it, and to do it with your bestfriend just made it better.

                 HKSBP 2011. Glad to have hugged her after the lost :)

            This is why i cannot love someone too much, i will become a mess. i know, this will be hard, without her and all my other friends, it is just plain hard. now i have to learn how to do things alone, and no matter how hard it is, i hope that i can make it. Fawa, i just miss you. But do not worry about me, the one thing you taught me is how strong I am, and my strength is within me i know, it does not lie upon other people. Thank you for everything Fawa, and i wish i could repay you with everything that you had given to me. but i just couldn't, you had given me so much.

p/s: Fawa got straight As for SPM!! woohoo i could not be happier :) hardwork does pay off insyaAllah, with  hardwork, doa and tawakkal, insyaAllah we will achieve greater success in the future. Amin :)

oh and i used present tense because she is still my bestfriend. Screw u tenses!

time envies me too much

hi blog. i don't even bother to tell you how long has it been since i last wrote in here now, and i won't make 'writing in my blog' as one of my lifeless wishes anymore. sorry i just couldn't find the time to write in here :)

since i am now a college student *coughcough* gosh it is awkward just to admit that, anyway yup. my life is no longer the typical stf life which somehow really miss. i miss my friends, my teachers, my teammates and just everything i had left behind and could never get now. everyday it is just another marathon to continue doing what i do in kyuem and just leave the things that i have done in stf. it is so different here compared to stf, well the obvious different would be now i have boys in my school. which i personally think it sucks. not that I'm being sexist here, it is just that gosh i have to change so much!

1. i have to iron my clothes and my tudung everyday. i mean who does that? i never ironed anything in stf and now the sudden shift! it is really killing me.

2. i cannot shout and scream whenever i want. i mean all girls school is such a blessing, now all i got is BOUNDARY -..-

3. i cannot wear my pajamas pants to the library. i have to wear slacks, all the time, sometimes jeans. and worse, even at night -..-

4. u cannot bring food to anywhere. classes, meetings, and worst, LIBRARY. OH HOW I MISS GENG LIBRARY hiihi :D

5. and i miss my friends too badly. it is torture.

well, that's half of it. but mostly i feel really blessed being here, i know how lucky i am to have come so far and have this wonderful opportunity to be  with all these amazing people who will go to cambridge or oxford or whatever universities that me myself are afraid to mention because it seemed to waayyyyyyy far from me. i never imagined myself to be this girl who one day, insyaAllah with much hardwork, determination and do a , will be one of those people who i admired and want to be when i'm older.

at first, for me personally, it was really hard coping with everything. it was to overwhelming, the school, the people, the friends, khazanah, the a stars we have to get, the people who had done it and been there before us and actually made it, and the universities that we have to go. it was too overwhelming, and definitely to scary. i was not this girl u know, with confidence and think that she could do everything. i was scared of not making it, and i really didn't know what did i do to make me deserve all this wonderful things.

and how stupid i was right that i totally forgot my purpose here in ky, and how and what did i do to make me strong enough to go through spm, this is now just another possible obstacle. i challenged myself, when i was 16, and i didn't listen to the nay sayers saying that this was hard and that was hard because i haven't try them yet. i could be better than that, so i thought. and i missed that part of me somehow in the whole overwhelming situation.

some of my juniors asked me, how did i study? what did i do to get good marks in exams and all. i burst into laughters hehe. i hope i am not some kind of role model to any of them now because trust me, never be like me. don't even think about it hehe :D however, i have a simple advice to them how had asked, an advice to me too. failure is not about getting a B in maths, but it is about being afraid to get an A. i hope i am not being too secretive in the phrase that i wrote myself after thinking about it for almost a day hehe. i mean it is very simply actually, just go for it and to believe that u can do it is enough.

'sesungguhnya di samping kesukaran ada kemudahan. dan sesungguhnya di samping kesukaran ada kemudahan'. surah al insyirah

this surah brought me back every time, without fail. how Allah care for our beloved prophet ( btw salam maulidur rasul), and when this is stated in the holy quran, these are not just mere words my dear. this is a promise, a promise from ALLAH, and He never breaks promises.

just a new photo of a college student hihi. ignore the faces people :)

lighten up people, lighten up syakira :) there is always light at the end of the tunnel, there is always rainbow  after the rain. my mum just called me to go to eat, and she is just downstairs -..-' so got to go now, i hope whatever I'm writing in here is beneficial for those who even dare to read this nonsense. till then blog, salam :)

Dreams

gosh. i cannot believe that i'm finally putting a picture in my blog hihi. these days had been amazing, in fact surreal. i am truly thankful :)


For me dreams, are something u shouldn't be playing with. it is something soo magical and sacred, it drives u to ur wildest adventure and journey. dreams i suppose is a propaganda about believing something but have nothing to hold on to actually. that is why we see people tearing apart because their dreams crashed, they thought it was the end. However we hear the azan five times daily, and it is repeated twice in each azan, 'come to success' and here we are, ignoring this. sometimes i wonder, why have i been so deaf, blind and most importantly ignorant. there is a reason, why are being reminded to seek success 10 times a day, even mummy cannot nag me 10 times, the same thing everyday. then it occured to me, what if each and everyone of us uphold that thought


; would there be any drug addicts
; would there be any prostitute of our religion
; would there be people trying to kill each other


if the definition of success among us is the same, then i suppose there wouldn't be. i suppose if each and everyone of us take the Lord as the true Almighty, respect Him more than we respect our own mothers and fathers, i'm sure the words we hear 10 times a day would be the words we hold on to and the words that we will make to come true. just think about it, why there are still people singing justin bieber's songs while the azan is in the air, why are we not answering the azan back? i am not writing this down for everyone to take note, i'm writing this for me because it seemed that with my perfectly capable ears and eyes, i am still the unfortunate one. and it is sad, it really is.


dreams are something that is not new, but believing is something older. believe in every success u want or about to achieve, Allah is there. believe that whenever u do something with the sole reason to get closer to Him, He's there for you. because He the only place you could've ever hold on to. there is never a definite parameter of success, for that is why if u are running, continue running. if u are studying, dont give up. if u are hoping, continue hoping. because He's always there, even in ur darkest days and loneliest nights.


so syakira, and people if u are reading this. dream BIG, and never take no for an answer, for success is still a looooonnngg waayyy to go. hihi 

grenade; my pride

so it took me 2 weeks to write in this blog, and its 2am and my flight tomorrow is at 7.25 am. as in MORNING -.-


but this is something i should have done long ago, but because of me, myself, afraid that if i ever write these in words, it would hurt me soon, and seriously, i have no guts to recall everything. but i was selfish, i know, to only think about one tiny shitty predicament that had happen to us but ignore the bloody amazing real deal, grenade itself.
grenade is not bruno mars's song, it's a family of mine, MY debate family. so as we all know, when it is called a family, it stays together, no matter what, and we signed a contract to always be there. grenade is an escape for me, a place where i feel like i belong and safe. safe and definitely happy.


i love my grenade to bits. and im always grateful that i have them to be all mine, i seriously couldnt ask for more. no im not being sentimental all so sudden just because i read pika's blog just now (okay maybe a little), but i want to do this. i want myself to know. hksbp will always be the same each year, but this year a got something a little special. i got to be the captain, and im very proud of it. because i have a team, that not only people look up at, but if anybody in the future ask me about my debate team, i will PROUDLY say grenade, and i will always be proud until my last breath. so what if we lost at quarters? we knew who should've won and who should have go to finals, girls we had already won :D


Honestly, in my life, i have never been prouder to lose. i have never been prouder to walk away from tkc and smile because i know this had been the best ppm ever. i got a family behind me who worked their asses off to get to where we are now. i got the other debaters talking and spying on my team, fearing to hear stf's name. my dears, winning is not about getting the trophy, it is about each day you do better than before, and at the end of the day you could smile and walk with pride. i just hope you know how much i admire all of you grenaders, and how proud i am to be your captain. and words couldnt simply describe what/how i feel.


So here are those people that i had been blaberring about; 
Kimi, oh sorry kak kimi :) my source of strength and courage. though i hate the fact that ur so nice and all(this is definitely not a compliment), and though i hate the fact that darn it, i owe u so much, you know we love you and if its not because of you, we SERIOUSLY would not be here. i can't thank you enough, there's absolutely no way i could repay you and im sorry for that.
Pika, oh come on, you know how much i love you right. i wont make this a lovey-dovey message but just one thing, you kept me going on strong and fighting till the end, and i THANK YOU. im proud of you my dear, always am and always will.
Adle, gosh u have to know how much i admire you from the beginning till the end. you fought for this like this is your last chance for living and i watch you become stronger than ever. you are way more that what i expected you to be and, i couldnt have been prouder. its like im a mum watching my child grow so well (and yuck) , okay you know how that feels. thank you dear for always believing.
Kak Qis, u have been with me since 2009 and i love you so much. u were there when we needed you the most, ur the best sister anybody could have ever asked for. thank you :)
Kak qhaleeda and Kak syafira, for caring for us eventhough their debate journeys are over. thank you


and my sisters from another mother :)
Dhammy, thank you for every single thing and you have keep up with my harping and my blabbering and hey, u survived! thank you for all the hard work and i couldnt ask for more dedication from you :D
Alya, i watched intensely as you work your ass off and i genuinely admire the courage and the passion that you have in debate. thank you for pushing yourself to the limits and actually set no limits to your dream, u taught me a lot :)
Lynn, u proved to me ur not just a typical girl who loves english. u are wayy more than that, and i know ur meant for wicked things ahead.
Thariah, i have no worries on you my dear. with the passion and determination that you have, u are absolutely gonna be just fine and amazing. i promise you that
Aqilah and Mai, we are so happy to have such wonderful young girls in our family who have such a bright future ahead. just trust us girls, dont grow up, stay like this and have fun doing what you love. thank you for everything girls.
GIRLS, YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE A HELL OF A DEBATER. I am so thrilled and proud. thank you so much for every single thing.


so to grenade, i am awfully sorry for all the things that i have done ( a lot i know), and i hope i did my job as a captain, if not well, i hope you guys will find ways to ever forgive me for all my mistakes. i love you, and i'll say it a thousand times, thank you so much.

PERTH

 hurm what to do. u got the chance of a lifetime to go to perth, but have to spend ur sucking holiday at school haha. staying at school with only one laptop and ipod, doesnt really make ur life less pathetic. everytime u'll think about food and wat to put onside ur bag. and, people, i have to say, its really sad. i mean u want to sleep, but u hesitate when ur homework flashes into ur mind like angry wolves waiting to crack you in the face, then u pictured ur teachers kicking u out of the class when they see ur empty paper. oh nightmare -..-
but hey, there's always light at the end of the tunnel ey. just couldnt way to ship myself off this horrendous place and experience a totally new scenery there, which many people acclaimed to be boring. but what the hell, at least its better than doing thousands of add questions and only to find urself browsing to the answer pages. HAHA.

oh yeah, before i forgot, how do i make this cute blog of mine livelier. my friends love the fact that they can sass my ugly blog and boast about their full-of-pictures-less-writings-funner blogs they have. i mean i dont even know how to put bloody pictures in this thing. maybe i'll try it later when i have time and i can put pictures of people dying in here so that u know, it'll make me look like a social activist somehow fighting for poor people's lives. yadda yaddda

i'd love to do that, even my mum told me to write in papers addressing the current issues and atuff. she went like 'ur  a DEBATER, u should do something that actually shows ur one besides blabbering to ur sisters!' well they didnt do any housework so ya think im going to just shut up? NO WAY. what's mine are yours, especially when it involves dirty plates :)

so i guess i should stop now, my books are calling, no actually shouting my name to come to them and pour my love on blank papers -_-' and plus its like winter in this place, it hadnt stop raining for days. haha adios!

madness

since i have been practically invisible for the last EIGHT days, i would like to write about it. so nobody should ever read this for their own sake

dear bloggie,

WUPID 2010 was zeee best thing i have ever done for years ! (besides watching movie, eat and sleep though) I couldn't believe i had so much fun with complete strangers that i just met there. Being the youngest runner has its benefits i supposed, and i instantly made friends with everyone. Of course i am missing them so much already. Who knew debaters had their own kind of shine there, that made me feel insecure about myself there because i have to admit, i am nothing like them. NOTHING.

Seeing all kinds of people from every parts of the world was completely outrageous. The best part was that i was one of those people who need to get mineral water for those in thirst, serve lunch for hungry lions and show them which room to go so that they didn't end up in andalusia. working, doesn't mean that you could not have fun. the first day being with all the runners, was terrific! we played different kind of games like killer, bingo, how many horses passed by and such. and i have to say it was hilarious. i mean who would've ever thought that hearing the taps of horses would drive you as crazy as hell. i hated that, but once you knew the answer, you just wanted to kill the person who made the game in the first place. it drove me completely mad.

then came the registration day where people either went to the pullman hotel or college, and i was in charge in the college. i believe that i have the right to say that when anybody tells you that you'll be staying in a hostel, PLEASE DON'T EXPECT TO MUCH. hostels do not have pails, bathtubs, soaps and such for you, so be grateful. hahaha. yeah yeah you are not comfortable, so do i care? though, i really tried my best to offer the greatest pr job ever, but no i cant buy pails for you. tq. later that night, pan, raja and myself went to maulana for a mamak fiesta woohoo. is there anything that a mamak CAN'T do for you besides not having a great roti naan? noooo. so we went to pullman after all and the next day started.

pullman, is absolutely beautiful, amazing and just jaw dropping. it is located in putrajaya, away from the hustle and bustle of city and has 4 different settings in the hotel. ohh yeeaaahh. first round of wupid was in upm, so it was such an exhausting day. the first round will always be an absolute mess, but we kindda got a whole of it later on. debate, was fantastic. everybody laid out really good arguments and it was damn hard for the adjudicators to decide who's first. i saw monash australia team during the second round and it blew my mind. it was like they had the whole wikipedia and almanac in my mind and i just couldnt believe it. however, though it was hard to take everything in, the other good teams too was as well prepared as the monash teams. UNBELIEVABLE i have to say, to find people with mighty minds like that. it was terrible for me to think that reading readers digest every month would get me on the same par. this goes on for the other rounds too, seeing the debaters spoke their hearts out about the issues that never even relate to their lives and how much they care about it. observing people around the world argue for something they believe in with wisdom and passion, it was utterly beautiful. because debate, is not about saying no to others, it is about fighting for what you believe in and make no excuses for that. it is about finding the best solution and open your minds about what others are thinking and presuming. making every thoughts count and every action good, that is what it truly means.

hihihi :) okay now who's the new wisdom guy aite? haha. so after the absolutely lunatic round of debate, it was FREE DAY !! the night before that, i met rendy and jee from indonesia and they were awesome! we played killers with everyone sab, bear, suff, sheril, zul, anis, ima, raja. later on ashok, robin and kelvin joined us. it was absolutely fun! i have to say the best killer so far was rendy because he literally killed everyone without the police even noticing. what a lousy police hihihi. i also learned billy billy swift with them and i drove me crazyy !!! i mean seriously, i even went back to my hotel room to take a shower and freshen up my stupid mind to find the answer of the absurd game. and to make things worse, the answer was there all along. what a bummer. not only me who went mad, everyone actually went lunatic too to help me out with the answer, and when don did it, for the 100th time, i actually got it !!! hahaha what a night. we even carried on playing killers until the night, and even after swimming the next day. call us the killing addicts :)

next day was zeee last day. the quarters, semis and finals. and oh my it was damn hard ! i leave the decision making to the judges as i have absolutely NO idea who should proceed. the cambrigde team was good, so was the sydney team. in my room where i was in, cambridge got first, followed by nus and such. and you know who was the finalist? CAMBRIDGE, SYDNEY, MONASH andd NUS. go go asians!! though malaysian teams couldnt make it to the finals, i thought they did great. even so, tasneem from iium got into the top 10 best speakers in wupid, Congrates!

and last but not least, the winner of WUPID 2010 goes to NUS !! asians rule the wupid !! woohoo.
congratulations to imran and robin for snatching away the five thousand ringgit and grabbed the big bowl of trophy. i am proud to be asian ! hahaha
and the night ended foully with everyone going away to their respective hometowns, i will be missing wupid so much. thank you to everyone (esp yunus) who gave me this once in a lifetime opportunity to learn and experience being with all these crazy debaters. till we meet again ! adios !

Finally

woohoo. finally aite? You think i forgot about you blog? NEVER !

well actually i did forget because i have kinnda shifted to tumblr but hey, look who's writing here again? Since this particular medium of expression is so well, public, it is kindda hard to really leak out all the nasty infos about me but i'll try my best. My current update would be WUPID. World Universities Peace Invitational Debate, look it up. As ridiculous and it sounds, i will be one of the volunteers in the particular debate. YEAH ! I know it sounds exciting and cool (it really is) , however i an kind of afraid and shivering actually because I'll be the ONLY secondary school student to be a volunteer. All thanx to Mr. Yunus who had been so kind to give this one in a lifetime opportunity.

so if anybody misses me just contact my phone number, hahaha. i'll be off till next thursday, BYEE!!!
xoxooxoxox
muahmuah