I have always hated this feeling, the feeling that u are depending on someone. I hate the fact that u will owe someone and u have to repay them back. Ego, I guess what I really have, and to know that what u feel or think will be affected by someone just ticks me off. I guess that would explain my forever single in my status, but that is not the point. To me, the idea of having a partner or someone to love is just completely nuts, and for a young girl like me (well maybe not so young), it didn't make sense. Maybe I am just like that, maybe I am a complete mess.
Throughout my form 5 year, i found something more important. While some of us fivers wailed off with their newfound love, wherever they came from, it didn't make me feel lonely because i have friends. And i have one particular friend who stayed with me through everything, and i mean everything. I could still remember the days we had, and it is truly amazing how vivid all of them are embedded in my mine. The sole purpose of having straight A+ drove us like crazy, and I could not do any of it without her. We would wake up at around 4.30 a.m. ( can i just repeat this, if I may, MORNING) almost everyday, near our trials and the real exam. We would perform our prayers, solat tahajjud and solat hajat, shower and go straight to the library. EVERYDAY. She and I would sleep together everynight (please do not get the wrong idea here) because she liked my bed and I longed for her comforter, and I will always be the one who wakes her up every morning, no matter how hard she tried to set the freakin annoying alarm.
To be honest, I did not feel like it was such a big sacrifice for spm, I still thought that it was not enough. For some reason, having her with me to go through the same routine everyday without fail just made it all so much easier, so much less burdening. Although I would always bragged on the fact that she and I were total opposites (I am more mature etc :D) , I found myself very similar to her. She and I had the same dream, same purpose, same inspiration - to get all A+ in SPM. And when we dream, we strive for our dreams, as hard as we possibly could. Honestly for me, I am lucky enough to have someone to share the same principle as i had at that time. Not only that, now to rethink about everything, our life journey in the school had their resemblance. She and I were the only form 3s who were chosen to go to hksbp in 2009 and to reminisce back the thing I experienced that year, I really understand what she had been through and the things that she did to have became one of the best basketball player I had ever knew, and the hksbp had ever experienced. I could not be prouder of her.
That was last year. When she was still my bedmate and my study mate and just my bestfriend. Now I do not have her anymore. I dont have a friend who will wake me up when i wanted to skip our usual study in library at night. A friend i love to pick on simply because she is too 'bendul' sometimes and you can just lie to her about everything. A friend who will go everywhere with me and when i said i wanted to wake up instead of stay up, she would go with what i am comfortable the most. She would tell me that i will be okay when i went to my khazanah interview, and who always be so happy to the good things i had been blessed with. There could never be a better listener than her and a better person than her. Therefore, to know that she is not here anymore to nag me, to tell me that i have to work hard for this and that, to remind me the wonderful things i can do and to just listen and be there for me, it is really hard. i have no one to share my new comforter with (because i miss her comforter like hell) and no one to wake up in the morning and order to go to the toilet and 'jgn lupa solat hajat tau wa!', She really changed me to become a better person, and i have to admit, i am a mess without her. The routine that i was so used to doing with her at school just vanished, just like that. and subuh, the only time i went subuh in the surau was during the first day, and only that day. I am really depressed to see myself change and just became a complete fool. I loved my old routine, it made me feel that the day was worth it, and to do it with your bestfriend just made it better.
This is why i cannot love someone too much, i will become a mess. i know, this will be hard, without her and all my other friends, it is just plain hard. now i have to learn how to do things alone, and no matter how hard it is, i hope that i can make it. Fawa, i just miss you. But do not worry about me, the one thing you taught me is how strong I am, and my strength is within me i know, it does not lie upon other people. Thank you for everything Fawa, and i wish i could repay you with everything that you had given to me. but i just couldn't, you had given me so much.
p/s: Fawa got straight As for SPM!! woohoo i could not be happier :) hardwork does pay off insyaAllah, with hardwork, doa and tawakkal, insyaAllah we will achieve greater success in the future. Amin :)
oh and i used present tense because she is still my bestfriend. Screw u tenses!
